*eats yogurt*
*manages my fantasy hockey team*
*looks at Christmas things on Pinterest for 375489 hours*
Oh, you're back. Pretty cool, huh? And even better, today is the national holiday known as the season four ERB premiere, meaning we get a new battle every week! Call it an early Christmas present - I know I am. Like all dedicated ERB fans, I've got a wish list of battles that I'd like Santa Peter and his loyal elf Lloyd to deliver (if you think I'm joking then you didn't watch all the videos as instructed and you should probably go back and look at Santa Claus vs Moses). In the words of the ERB opening...
BEGIN!
(Note: The comments section of YouTube is a scary, scary place that I like to avoid at all costs, so if these suggestions have already been shared there, then they're here by coincidence and not because I've recently dared to venture into that land.)
1. Blue Ivy vs North West
Come ON. This would be way too good, minus the whole potentially insulting children thing... but you know there's going to be at least a little bit of a rivalry there (imposed more by the media than by themselves), and we know it'll be futile because - let's be honest - you can't be the spawn of Jay-Z and Queen Bey and not automatically win at life. But there's nothing like a little rap battle to commence the inevitable comparisons. Warning: do not actually do this unless you're prepared for the wrath of Kanye (which I totally am).
 |
| Photo found via Pinterest |
2. The Blood Countess vs Dracula
Do many people even know who the Blood Countess is? No? I saw a random tweet about her a couple months ago, was intrigued by the name, and spent way longer than I would have liked reading about this gruesome lady. Her name was Elizabeth Bathory and she apparently killed hundreds of girls and bathed in their blood. Disgusting, yes, but there's no better opponent for Dracula. (Edit: While looking for a photo for this pairing I learned that there's some kind of portrayal of Bathory in a movie called Stay Alive? Never heard of it, never seen it. But maybe she's more known than I thought.)
 |
| Epic Rap Battle opponents, or cute couple? "YOU DECIDE." |
3. Wayne Gretzky vs Sidney Crosby
I'm a huge hockey fan, so I could never pass up an opportunity to watch the best hockey player ever take on the so-called best hockey player right now. Gretzky's legacy is already settled - he is The Great One, after all - and love him or hate him, you can't deny Crosby's talent. I'd love to see them battle on ice, but an ERB would be just as satisfying. Don't be too worried, Sid, it's a given that Gretzky would destroy you, but I'd be willing to bet my last Canadian dollar that Pierre McGuire will be ready and waiting to nurse your ego back to health. (Let me clarify: I'm a Boston Bruins fan but I really don't dislike Crosby - it's just common sense that Gretzky would win, and also that Pierre kisses the ground Sid walks on. *Kanye shrug*)
 |
| Photo via ESPN |
4. Captain Hook vs Killian Jones
I couldn't not include two of my favorite things: Disney and Once Upon a Time. I'd love to see the permed, red coat-adorned, Peter Pan-hating, animated giant go up against his charming, leather-clad, scruffy ABC counterpart. Killian admittedly has an unfair advantage: he could kill someone with his smile and eyebrows alone. Once he opens his mouth, anyone - animated or otherwise - would concede. Or maybe that's just me. Bonus: Other Disney wish list pairings: Zazu vs Iago. Maleficent vs the Evil Queen.
 |
| His rap game is as strong as his guy-liner ^ |
5. Corey Matthews vs Mr. Feeny
While I was on the subject of my favorite things, I couldn't let this one slip through the cracks. On Girl Meets World, Corey is clearly the new Feeny, so I'd love to see them go up against each other under one condition: they just stand there and shout compliments at each other. Corey and Feeny cannot fight. They cannot. It'd be like putting family against each other. And if you want to watch that junk, watch Survivor: Blood vs Water. (Don't really do that, it's not entertaining.)
 |
| Please include an appearance from Eric - I miss the Feeny call |
And one battle I wouldn't love:
One time, many moons ago, I ventured into the place that I make every effort to stay out of, as I referenced before: the comments. There were a lot of requests for some variation of Jesus vs the devil. In short, I just don't see that ending well. Plus, who wants to offend a group of 2.18 billion people during the devil's verses? Let's not. Not a great business plan.
Happy season four of ERB, everyone!
